More On This Journey

 I love flowers (though I score very low on the gardening aptitude scale)... and I've enjoyed two beautiful bouquets and multiple collections of various non-homogenous groupings from my little sweeties since we began this journey of miscarriage. And the journey does continue, though God's hand is so clearly felt and the tears sometimes fall at the strangest times.

Last Monday and Tuesday were physically demanding days, and when I returned for another ultrasound yesterday, the doctor said I still haven't passed the sac, though it is shrinking. I think my doctor is wonderful ... he knows how we feel about children and trusting the Lord...but in his effort to encourage me, he pointed out the high percentages that would indicate that this was not "my" fault, but likely a "bad egg" (due to my age) UGH!

A bad egg???

As I watched yet another swollen momma navigate the weight of her soon-to-be-born baby while I sat in the car alone, I just couldn't place a "bad egg" in God's economy. Meih! I have to choose faith, and I have to move forward.

"For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made...my frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret...Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them"                       Psalm 139:13-16

 Ready for some farmhouse cuteness??? Everything else just keeps moving forward...

 ...and after seventeen years, I'm on the verge of diaper-less days. Not looking forward to that...

 Thanks again for all your prayers...I have been so encouraged by your comments!

Love, 

Kathy

Serve Tuscaloosa 2011

It finally came, that phone call shattering the late night silence. His voice is there, and strong, but too far away for this momma. I bend to the required release of a mother to her almost-adult-son, but I'm going on record to say... I just don't like this.  It's only a week in Alabama to serve those suffering from the tornado, but it's a week of preparation for me of what lies ahead. Going to serve is good, and we are all thankful for the opportunity, (isn't this what we pray for??) but I'm wracking my tired brain to figure out some way to turn back the clock...

A couple weeks ago a dear blogger friend Kyrie, wrote about her favorite bloggers. Among many, she mentioned my childrens blogs and mine. What an honor to know that my life can bless others. But the reason?
Because I'm so imperfect. 

Oh my...it shows??? 

 

I make a genuine effort to be real and transparent, to value relationship and character over the accolades of the world, to pursue the hearts of my children more than my own goals...but I fail all the time. All the time. That imperfection that Kyrie appreciates has been keeping me from posting...the deafening accusation from the wicked one that what I do and who I am  just isn't good enough for the position of wife, momma and keeper of the home. I've been believing the lie that all our imperfections are more than my Savior can handle and there is no way that we'll come out of this as a family bearing the image of YHWY Himself.

"The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands."  Proverbs 14:1

 

And while I do honestly have some tweaking to do on the home front, I want to be that wise woman who builds her house. I'm praying to know grace. To shower it on my husband and children and in my home...to really know grace. 

Thank you for all of your prayers following my shoulder surgery. I'm on the road to recovery!

Farmhouse News...Joys and Sorrows

Thank you everyone for your prayers, sweet comments and suggestions. We made it through whatever illness we had, with only a few coming down with the virus. Jenna had it the worst, but yesterday did not require a nap, and today we received the most thoughtful care-package from our new, dear friends to speed along our recovery.

Sunday also held sorrows for us as we had to put down Joshua's goat after a very aggressive infection took over. We knew she was sick, and I even said "Be prepared...", but we never expected the suddenness with which it happened.The farm is strangely quiet, and though some may not realize why, for us (and especially Joshua), the death of an animal is just plain painful. I remember years ago when we would talk of goats, I couldn't imagine that they actually had "personality". Now that we are officially owners and breeders of goats, there is clearly a uniqueness about each one that is very endearing, coupled with the daily contact, care and milking of the herd. As you can imagine, a bond is formed that only grows over the years.

As the farm momma, I want to say something wise and encouraging, but all I can really think of, is that God cares for the sparrows, and other living things as well. This is sad for us, yet my children are learning important lessons for life that are rooted here on the farm, guided by the tender hand of the Creator of the universe.

Freely We've Been Given...

"Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?"

I have little faith. Growing up was framed with post-depression, "pull-up-your-bootstraps-and-do-it-yourself" mentality with the understanding that if I wanted to "be anything" at all, it was up to me. Fast forward through college, into married life and the constant collision of world views. It isn't that I'm confused about my world view...it is decidedly CHRISTIAN. It's just that I wasn't raised in a George Mueller sort of faith-building lifestyle.


Why little faith? Because today, when I face financial and economic uncertainty, when trials of life threaten to overwhelm, when there are days that I literally look to the heavens and say audibly, "Hello???", I forget I serve a loving and tender God, ever near, ever living to care for His own. So kind and faithful (even when I don't deserve it), that this week my kiddos and I gathered on the floor to give 

THANKS

for an unexpected gift

from a never-before-met new friend

whom we will forever love.

The Bluegrass State is Giving Me The Blues!

These are two rather random shots of the twins, and I didn't intend for them to be so random, it's just all I have in this new folder system. And I didn't intend to get all goofy and weepy tonight after they left for KENTUCKY, it just happened!


I can already tell this whole idea of someday getting married and moving on to their own home with their own sweet little family, just ain't gonna work for this momma.

On Birthdays and Hens....

The sweet birthday breakfast table waiting for me...farmhouse cinnamon rolls and farm fresh eggs~

Last month I had another birthday. I remember my dad always grumbling something about not wanting to celebrate his birthdays, and all he really wanted was "peace and quiet". Well this year, I found the thing I really wanted was a few uninterrupted moments to clean my bedroom! Being low on space and needing to fit the belongings of three people and two beds (one for us, and one crib for the baby), piles seem to abound. I hate even admitting this, but, it's the truth. A larger problem though, is my children are watching the habits (or lack thereof) of their mother and not necessarily seeing a good example. So I've determined again to faithfully attack certain areas of the home and conquer those pesky things that accumulate. I made progress that day, and several more bags of clothing are out the door. Yes!

Something else I decided to do in celebration of my birthday: I would learn to catch a chicken. Not such a big deal for some of you farm girls, but this farmgirl has a bit of trouble touching the birds. Since we have a present problem of escaping hens, there have been many opportunities to conquer my fear/discomfort. With Caleb at my side coaching me along, I am happy to report that I successfully captured and returned several of the wayward girls. And, I learned something new :)




I'm not going to wax eloquent here on amazing birthday thoughts, but it was a very small picture of something else going on in my life, and that is, being willing to change things or areas in my life that need to be changed. Areas of weakness, conviction or failure...it was just Monday when Josh said ever-so-quietly, "Mom, you're embarrassing me". And the embarrassment came from my behavior, something that I immediately cried out to God to change.





So Happy Birthday to all of you tonight, whenever your birthday may be. Challenge yourself to do something new, and purpose to be someone renewed.

Momma Thoughts and Wishes

What could be more encouraging to a three year old, than the freedom and opportunity to BAKE? There was a day when my goal was to avoid as much as possible, those things or activities that created extra work for me. When the twins were not quite two, my sister asked me if I would EVER let them splash in a mud puddle. If you think that is silly, let me confess (again) that I actually had to make myself allow them to play in the mud. And you know the rest of the story...they had fun, I brought them in and cleaned them up, and eventually God was able to change my heart toward the PURPOSE of parenting.

But it hasn't been quick or easy. More confessions include not letting Jenna play with her Vision Forum doll because I didn't want her hair messed up! Remember, neat and tidy, perfect home, perfect children...

Early training also included not allowing the twins to cross the threshhold into the kitchen. They were so well trained, but YIKES! Can you imagine how much relationship and fellowship I missed because I was so focused on the mechanics of parenting, and not the ministry of parenting?

There is so much regret, but on a positive note, nothing is impossible with God! Though far from perfect, and still wishing I could get on top of an organized life, there is progress. I now look for opportunity to involve my children in as many activities as possible. It is not efficient or expedient, but it is training, it is fellowship, it is equipping them for the future!

We are a family that samples the work of our hands! I know self- control is a virtue and needs to be taught, but there are plenty of opportunuties for that!

In the name of training, I had my four year olds washing floors. Now the concept is great, and I still give opportunity for the three and five year old to wash windows and floors (they love it), but discipling them and coming along beside them is so much the better way...not just instructing and inspecting! How easily we forget that they are relatively new to this big place called earth. Really, they don't even notice that their boots don't match...

...and what about the giant leap of dexterity and success when a button can be buttoned??? They are so young and tender, and I wish I was better prepared emotionally to LOVE my children, not just love my children...to enjoy them being little ones, not trying to make them into minature adults...

But here is living proof, though my mistakes are many, there is laughter and love today, even if Jenna never was allowed to play with her doll...

Humbly exposing my mistakes~

Kathy

More Farmhouse Confessions

Well, here's a struggle...contentment. On a blog I visited recently, the dear mother said she and her children DO NOT COMPLAIN (ouch!). And on another blog, the dear mother posted an absolutely BEAUTIFUL KITCHEN that every mother of many children ought to have :). And yet another blog posted a delightful view into her equally DELIGHTFUL PANTRY that seems quite suitable for every homeschool mother who is required/chooses to cook for her family with regularity.

So how does this affect me? Honestly, I find myself digging deep to focus on being content with what I DO have...to focus on the many blessings that we enjoy daily...to focus on the hidden beauty of simplicity (hidden~get it?)...to remember that we are on a journey of growing in Jesus, and perhaps our roots need strengthening, or perhaps our fruit just isn't ripening at the same speed as others.

No excuses here, because I truly do want to be admonished and encouraged and I truly know that we have fallen woefully short in many areas, but it is so dangerous to compare ourselves to others, and it is such a mistake to look at what others have and become discontent with what we have. Truth is, my husband works so very hard to provide, and how discouraging to him if I have a spirit of discontentment regarding our home and the condition of it! And what about the children? It is so important to cultivate a thankful heart so that they likewise, learn to be content not only in these years with us, but also to prepare them for their future spouse.

"Better a handful with quietness than both hands full..." Eccl. 4:6

~~~~~~

"Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." Hebrews 13:5

~~~~~~

So here's to quiet contentment, and trusting the Lord for all our needs, both with our physical needs, and the needs of raising and training our children. Take care while you read other blogs, too, for we can easily get discouraged with our perception of other women's lives!!

Love, Kathy

Modesty Journey, Amish, and God's Tenderness To Us

With a certain frequency, we discuss the issue of modesty in our home. We've been on a journey over the years, and we've recently been asked what it means in our home, so naturally, we began reviewing where the Lord has brought us.

When I first became a Christian, the well-meaning group of believers I was in fellowship with introduced me to the idea of dressing modestly. Unfortunately, what began as a good thing was actually based on conforming to an outward dress code instead of an inward conviction of the heart.

Over time, trying to conform to man's standard got wearisome and what should have been based on conviction was, in reality, based on preference. And naturally, preferences can change. Preferences don't weather the storm. Preferences fluctuate. Preferences are unreliable, flexible, situational and circumstantial.

I began to wonder about my own conviction of modesty, and what really should define how I dress. At the same time, I was trying to raise three daughters (now six daughters) and knew I wanted to influence them with TRUTH, not just preferences. My oldest daughter at the time was very prone to taking my legalism and imitating it to the extreme. That in itself, could be a good thing, IF I was 100 % pure in my motives, which I knew I wasn't. All of these things the Lord was weaving together to show us His truth: Modesty is a matter of the heart.

It so happened, at that time, we spent a "girl's overnight" in a small town dominated by Amish. I love the Amish. I love their ways. I admire so much about their way of life, and I honestly admire their willingness to conform to an agreed upon standard of dress for the good of their members. Now, I'm not saying that is necessary, and I'm not trying to evaluate their hearts...I'm just saying I admire their committment to it.

This is how tender-hearted God is with us: as I had been trying to explain to my very legalistic-but-trying-to do-the-right-thing-and-please-God daughter, that dresses are not necessary to be modest, we entered an Amish bakery. You cannot believe what we saw! There at the register was a very pretty Amish girl (16-18?), dressed in the typical style of dress, only it was white and SEE-THROUGH!!! I couldn't believe it! I also couldn't help staring~just a bit~all her undergarments were completely visable, no questions to ask, nothing left to imagine.

This story is worth re-telling, not as an indictment on the Amish, but as an example of one young lady, conforming (loosely) on the outside, but CLEARLY not having a heart of modesty. I truly believe God used that illustration that day, and many since, to remind us and cement for us that the article of clothing does not define modesty, but the heart of the woman, as she longs to please God, and Him alone, defines what is a truly modest woman.

Chicken Poo, and the Making of Godly Character

Could chicken poo ever develop godly character? Not in and of itself, but the CLEANING of chicken poo and the process of "freshening" the coop sure has some great life lessons. Take today. Yet more complaints on the disgust of the job, the impossibilities of "getting it all", and the injustice of making children do the nasty jobs.

I couldn't help chuckling, then I began to wax eloquent. All the virtues of learning to do the unpleasantries of life while young would surely apply throughout the years. I'm quite certain that those youngsters who learned early to deal with the yuck, and do it cheerfully, are the better for it. Imagine the advantage of learning to bear up under the arduous and noxious tasks of childhood with a joyful, happy spirit...

Those will be the heros and heroines of the next generation! Those will be the courageous defenders of the weak! Those will be the trustworthy, reliable, and noble...

Let's hear it for chicken poo...

Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

My Future...please...

"Mommy, you look like a GaWAMMY!"

"Really Natalie?"

"(giggle giggle)You look like a GaWAMMY!"

Ha ha...urgh! No matter how blessed a hoary head is, I just don't want to be that right now...yet...not for a while. I'm just not ready. Funny thing is (not so funny to me), apparently I look the part even though I don't belong in that group.

After Natalie was born, I dropped her off at the entrance to the grocery store with my little sister, who was 24 at the time. By the time I parked and walked in, Mr. Grocery-store Greeter was cooing all over.

"So you must be grandma!"

Not exactly what a newly post-partum momma needs to hear. My eyes immediately connected with my sis, as this was the SECOND time within a few days that this mistake was made. Fighting back the tears, I headed to the produce section as fast as I could, listening, but not believing Andrea's explanation. Bless her heart, she tried to encourage me, but to no avail.

Age-wise, it could have been true. I could be Andrea's mother, and Natalie could be Andrea's daughter, making me grandma.

No thanks. Not yet. I'm loving being the momma, and I just don't want this time to pass.

Now, on the bright side, I'd love to look like Tasha Tudor when I'm a grandma. Isn't she the image of peace and grandmotherly-ness? Already my children are preparing me, (okay, requiring of me) to be soft and squishy, wear dresses and aprons, put a bun in my hair, and have cookies baking for the grandkiddos. NO NYLON SWEATPANTS, PLEASE!

In fact, Caleb just pointed to the picture of Ms Tudor and said, "That's what I want you to look like!" (How cute is that...)

I think I can do just about all they are asking...

It Had To Happen...

...eventually. For the most part it will be the momma's out there who understand and sympathize with the bittersweet-ness of this moment. With the twins sixteen years ago, it was pure excitement to reach the developmental milestone of walking. And imagine two babies...one on each hip! I'm quite certain there was even some relief.

With my next baby, there was the question in the back of my mind..."Will she ever walk? Is she okay?" Which quickly merged into the busyness of the next baby~now four little ones in 3 1/2 years. PLEASE walk!

When baby number five came, he was practically big enough to walk out of the hospital, and my memory is, that he always weighed more than I could lift. I was tired, and getting older...

I'm sure there was a bit of sadness with each passing milestone, as I clearly remember wondering if we would ever be blessed with another baby. The bouncy seat put away...the three month clothing too small...the exersaucer passed on to another friend...more outgrown clothes...each step "cheers!", each step a reminder of the swiftly passing time.

With our last three little girls coming in quick succession (three in 3 1/2 years), there is no question I've aged. But I've also begun to grasp the truth of "it goes by so quickly". Don't get me wrong...I'm not holding Laura back, I know this is good! But quickly flee these precious baby years...

Thoughts on raising boys to men...

Give him a little time and guidance...

...a chance to succeed...


...opportunity to build strength and endurance...

...a new project to challenge and inspire...

"Anybody knew that no two men were alike. You could measure cloth with a yardstick, or distance by miles, but you could not lump men together and measure them by any rule. Brains and character did not depend on anything but the man himself. Some men did not have the sense at sixty that some had at sixteen. And Almanzo considered that he was as good, any day, as any man twenty-one years old.

Almanzo's father thought so too. (His) father had put his boys to work early and trained them well. Almanzo had learned to save money before he was ten and he had been doing a man's work on the farm since he was nine..." ~Laura Ingalls Wilder in "The Long Winter"

"Oh Be Careful Little Tongue What You Say..."

If I had nothing else to do besides blog, I'd have prepared some lengthy post on a topic that has recently become another teaching moment. Instead, suffice it to say, love and respect belong in the blog world too. How easy it is to hide behind our keyboard, to project some image of who we might want to be but are not, to speak in arrogance and conceit, or even to attempt to speak the truth, but not in love.

I don't claim to be the wisest, though I would like to say I desire wisdom. "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given him." James 1:5

But here is the observation:

When "encouraging" one another (which is scriptural) it ought to be done with love, and a respect for the household to which it is sent. For those reading who profess to be Christians, so many understand and agree with the husband/father having biblical authority in the home as well. (Let's understand here that I mean BIBLICAL authority, not something dysfunctional and extra-biblical.) That being said, caution ought to be exercised when discussing matters of what the Lord has taught one another, where the Holy Spirit has thus led the family, and how the husband/father is leading his wife and children.

If a family is presumably walking with the Lord, professing to love the One who died for them, and endeavoring to obey the teaching of the Word of God, dare I accuse them of believing a lie? Dare I approach a young person without the consent of their authority and even suggest that their parents are teaching them a lie? When you answer these questions, sift it through the commands to "preach the Word", and also through the understanding that the father is the head of the home. Do remember that I mentioned the example is a believing family.

And just for contrast, this week Jenna won a blog giveaway, and the woman giving the prize wanted verbal permission from Jenna's parents before the gift would be sent. Wow. There was a teaching moment...for Jenna, she was encouraged by the godly behavior seen in this older woman who respected her parents. For me, I was thankful for the respect shown to the authority in our home.

By the way, in the first example when Jenna was told she was being taught a lie (by her parents), it was also a teaching moment, though perhaps not what the woman hurling the accusation would have wanted. She and her husband have justified their behavior, but Jenna has learned something even greater. Love and respect.

On Conversations With An Eight Year Old

"Mom, how do I decide what to do when I grow up?" Caleb wondered.

"Well, sweetie, God will show you, over time, what areas you are gifted in and what He has created you to do for His kingdom. He often directs you by opening and closing doors in your life..."

"It is my desire to follow in daddy's footsteps." (Momma smiles sweetly)

"Oh...to be a mortgage lender?"

"Yes." And after a thoughtful pause..."But I really feel God is calling me to be the next Detroit Tiger catcher..."

"Oh...that would be awesome."

A Different Kind of Sixteenth Birthday...

Like so many of you out there, my oldest have reached that milestone of turning sixteen. For some reason, it is a milestone, and it overtook me far too soon. I could gush on and on about all the amazing and fantastic virtues and character qualities that make them so loveable and admirable, but one quick look on Josh and Jenna's blogs will do more for getting to know my dear children than I can do.

One of the many things I am thankful for, dear Josh and Jenna, is that you have chosen the better way. Not given to following the world, your sixteenth birthday is fresh and fun and wholesome and good.

There is a great temptation here to get parentally pitiful, but I'm choosing instead to focus on all the good...the past memories (wishing I could remember everything) and anticipating the future. I absolutely LOVE you two so very much! No one can ever love you like I do, and just so you know...you have made my life wonderful...

"Yes, Lizzie got married yesterday," Lizzie's mother said proudly. "Her Pa says thirteen's pretty young, but she's got her a good man and I say it's better to settle down young. I was married young myself."

Laura looked at Lena, and Lena looked at her. On the way back to camp they did not say anything for some time. Then both spoke at once.

"She was only a little older than I am," said Laura, and Lena said, "I'm a year older than she was."

They looked at each other again, an almost scared look. Then Lena tossed her curly black head. "She's a silly! Now she can't ever have any more good times."

Laura said soberly, "No, she can't play any more now."

~Laura Ingalls Wilder in By the Shores of Silver Lake

Is it selfish of me to say I'm not ready to marry off my daughters?

We're still having too much fun...

We need more time...later is good...

Post-Op

The morning after the jump, six weeks ago...

We're on the mend! Caleb is out of surgery, bone growth looks good, and stitches will dissolve in several days. He'll go home with a splint and in a few weeks can begin lifting again~but no chopping or stacking wood...

One lesson to remember? Take the freeze tag and don't jump off the top of the slide!

Cover Girl

I am completely enjoying this part of motherhood that watches quietly as the baby grows to child, and now child grows to adulthood. While we're not to adulthood yet, we are well on the way with emerging thoughts, ideas and interests. And where was that line in the sand when I realized this isn't about me, but about my child...each one an individual? If you don't also read Jenna's blog, check out this link and read why I am exceedingly proud of my daughter...beautiful inside and out.