More On This Journey

 I love flowers (though I score very low on the gardening aptitude scale)... and I've enjoyed two beautiful bouquets and multiple collections of various non-homogenous groupings from my little sweeties since we began this journey of miscarriage. And the journey does continue, though God's hand is so clearly felt and the tears sometimes fall at the strangest times.

Last Monday and Tuesday were physically demanding days, and when I returned for another ultrasound yesterday, the doctor said I still haven't passed the sac, though it is shrinking. I think my doctor is wonderful ... he knows how we feel about children and trusting the Lord...but in his effort to encourage me, he pointed out the high percentages that would indicate that this was not "my" fault, but likely a "bad egg" (due to my age) UGH!

A bad egg???

As I watched yet another swollen momma navigate the weight of her soon-to-be-born baby while I sat in the car alone, I just couldn't place a "bad egg" in God's economy. Meih! I have to choose faith, and I have to move forward.

"For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made...my frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret...Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them"                       Psalm 139:13-16

 Ready for some farmhouse cuteness??? Everything else just keeps moving forward...

 ...and after seventeen years, I'm on the verge of diaper-less days. Not looking forward to that...

 Thanks again for all your prayers...I have been so encouraged by your comments!

Love, 

Kathy

A Momma Update...

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers this past week. Instead of a cute belly shot (of which I have never done...I don't know why...but plans were well underway to document our Little Angel with the help of resident photographers, Josh and Jenna...) I can only share what I am doing. Waiting. The doctor said it's best to go naturally, so I wait and wonder. Next Monday I will return to the office, and though I know I am strong enough to handle the public, I am secretly hoping there are no other pregnant mommas in the waiting room. I'll be fine, I just don't want to see them. Much like last week, stepping out of the chiropractor's office practically into the arms of an adorable, young, very pregnant momma. Just don't feel like it. Not yet.

I thought I could feel the weight of the Little One as I held that sleeper up to my chest...that sweet little baby bottom cupped in my hands and the precious head resting under my chin...that hair so downy soft...

...and then I laid it down empty and shapeless, knowing someday I'll need to put those clothes away. Someday.

When Pink Is No Longer Pink, And The Farmhouse Is Quiet...

It was that first mother~cry "no!" and the blood was there, and fear that the baby was not.

The weekend was long, but this morning the ultrasound confirmed what my heart already felt...Little One has been with Jesus for three weeks (unknown to us) and any day I should go through the process of labor and delivery long before we had planned.

We are sad to walk this road and end with empty arms, but I am choosing two thoughts:

* We love and accept children as a gift from God Himself, no matter how counter-cultural that may seem...

* This life is a blessing to our family, for as many weeks as the Lord saw fit to allow

"I will carry you, while your heart beats here.

Long beyond the empty cradle, through the coming years...

I will carry you, all my life.

I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you. "

                                           ~Angie Smith